You’ve probably heard about the five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. It’s everywhere — self-help books, TV shows, well-meaning advice from people who love you.
You’re not. Here’s what the research actually says.
Grief Doesn’t Move in a Straight Line
The five-stage model was introduced by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969, originally developed through her work with people facing terminal illness, never meant to be a universal roadmap.
Dr. George Bonanno, author of The Other Side of Sadness (2009), found that most people don’t follow the Kübler-Ross stages in order. Grief comes in waves, sometimes triggered by something as small as a song or a smell. Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor’s The Grieving Brain (2022) adds the neuroscience: grief is your brain learning, over and over, that someone or something it expected is no longer there.
There is no correct timeline. Healing doesn’t mean the grief disappears. It means you carry it differently.
Grief Doesn’t Only Happen After Death
Dr. Pauline Boss introduced “ambiguous loss” in Ambiguous Loss (Harvard University Press, 1999). Many people grieve:
- The end of a relationship — even one that needed to end
- A pregnancy loss or fertility struggles that went unacknowledged
- A diagnosis that changed who you are
- Losing who you used to be — your identity, your sense of direction
- A career, a home, or a future you’d spent years imagining
- Watching someone you love change while they’re still here
These losses are real. The grief is real.
What This Means For You
If you’ve been quietly struggling with something that doesn’t fit neatly into a category, that’s not a sign something is wrong with you. That’s what grief actually looks like.
A Place to Start
We offer a free 15-minute consultation to assess fit.
Book yours at compassrosetherapy.janeapp.com